I thought I was insane.. until you came back and proved I'm not

Catastrophe. That was how I absolutely felt when you shooked your head slowly and shut your doors at my face.

See, how was I supposed to go to the big city without you on my side? How would I survive and properly eat without your constant reminders on which should go to my stomach and which should be left alone in peace in the markets? How could I be dignified and be brave enough to stand up at the tall structure jungles which they call offices? And... in five or seven years time after us graduating, who else would lovingly say the two words of commitment with me at the altar?

Why? I wished I asked more. Why did you said it was probably the best for both of us and why now, why only now? Why did you let me build a future plan where you and me was a combination only to find out later that you'd want to hastily throw it all away. How could you even say it was right and we'll both figure out why eventually? I wished I asked more, maybe it could bring you back to your senses and realize it was all a mistake. Maybe asking you more could have made you question your decisions and considered that you would also want me by your side and that what we had was not just a some, as you put it, "no-choice-and-not-growing" relationship.

But when I heard what's up with you after you left me, it came to my senses that my questions could not have even made any difference. I was crushed even more and lost all my hopes. How could you? I tried to understand and closed my eyes to think of all possible reasoning that could take the gushing sorrow inside me. I would beg myself to sleep at night, wishing and wanting to accept that it was all done and over but I still felt betrayed.  And as I woke up each morning, I battle with myself to walk away from the feeling of despair and would fool myself once or twice until I would feel defeated. It was just terribly unfair because my tears wasn't even starting to dry up but you were already enjoying life without me.

Petsa de Peligro

Ilang linggo na ba nung huli silang nag-usap? Tatlo? Lima? Anim?

Pataasan ba ng pride ang labanan?
Hindi pa natatalo si Ally diyan.

"Ipananganak kaya ako ng nanay ko na wala siya, pwes bahala siya!"
Sabay buntung hininga ng malalim.

"Pag bukas hindi pa 'to nagparamdam. Fine, ako na mauuna."
There's always a first time naman, pag aalo niya sa sarili.

Kinabukasan ng hapon..

"Wala pa rin? Ano ba nangyari sa taong yun!"

"Kamusta?" Sabay pindot sa send button.

Alas onse y medya..

Tumunog ang messenger... Siya!
Habang kumakabog ang puso, binuksan ni Ally ang message.

Siya : "Hi. Musta?"

Napatigil si Ally, nagdadalawang isip.

Ally : "Hello, ok naman. Ikaw?"

Siya : "Bakit gising ka pa? Akala ko tulog ka na."

"Ah ganun, kaya lang nagreply kasi akala niya tulog na ako." Hindi alam ni Ally kung maiinis ba siya o malulungkot.

Ally : "Hindi ako makatulog, dami ko iniisip. Pwede ba kita tawagan?"

"What? Wait? Shet, nasend na. Muka ba kong desperada?"

Siya : "Sa landline ba? Wala ako sa bahay eh, bukas na lang. Message ka muna para alam mo kung nasa bahay ako."

"Haller. Hindi ba pwedeng sa cellphone ako tumawag?"

Ally : "Okay. Nasan ka ba?"

Nakatulog na kakaintay ng reply si Ally.

4:40am

Siya : "Sorry, nalobat ako kanina. Kakauwi ko lang. Kasama ko sila JP kanina."

Kinaumagahan na nabasa ni Ally yung reply.

Ally : "Morning, okay. Papasok nako."

Maghapong walang reply.

Ikalawang buwan na ni Ally sa graduate school. Maghapon siyang tulala sa klase. Hindi, mahigit isang buwan na siyang tulala sa klase.

"El, samahan mo naman ako. May bibilhin lang ako." Sabay hatak sa kaibigan matapos ang klase.

"Akala ko ba susunod tayo kila Patty ngayon?" Pagtataka ni El.

"Oo nga, may bibilhin lang ako. Sarado na mga tindihan mamaya pag natapos tayo nila Pat eh. Saglit lang 'to. Tara na."

"Ito na nga hinahatak mo na nga ako di ba. Makahila naman parang sa sale pupunta."

....

"Para san naman yang phone card na yan?" Pag uusisa ni El habang naglalakad sila palayo sa stall.

"Ha? Wala." Patay malisya na sagot ni Ally.

"Anong wala?" Nakakunot na tanong ni El. "Anong gagawin mo diyan? Napkin? Bookmark?

"Wala. May tatawagan ako."

"Malamang ano? Para 'san ba ang phone card, 'edi pangtawag!"

"Yun naman pala, alam mo naman pala. Magtatanong ka pa." Patawang sambit ni Ally.

"Dear hindi kasi yun ang tanong ko. Humihina na ba ang pick up natin sa mga bagay bagay? O talagang ayaw mo lang i chika sino tatawagan mo ha!?" Pang aasar na tanong ni El.

"Tatawagan ko siya mamaya." Mabilis na sagot ni Ally habang tumatawid sila sa pedestrian lane.

"Oh. Eh akala ko ba sabi niya magsabi ka muna bago ka tumawag."

"Oo nga. Pero weekend ngayon. Wala naman siya pasok. So malamang nasa bahay yun. So antayin ko yung reply niya saka ako tatawag."

"Ah okay. 'Di ba may landline naman kayo? Bakit ka pa bumili niyan?"
Malapit na sila sa parking kung san naroroon ang sasakyan ni El.

"Papaputol raw ni tito mamaya. Di niya matawagn yung sinta niya sa Riyadh. Tinext ko kanina kung pinaputol na niya. Putol na raw."

"Wow marunong na magreply si tito? Improving ah!

"Oo! Tignan mo anong sagot sakin. Teka papakita ko sayo." Natatawang sagot ni Ally habang sumasakay sa passenger seat ng sasakyan ni El.

Tito Sat : "Putol"

"Hanep! Nahiya naman ako sa straight to the point attitude ni Tito, nastress siguro yan at di na kinaya lagyan ng period." Patawang sagot ni El habang pinapiinit ang makina.

.......

"Sige bye Ally, sabihan mo ko kung okay na yung mga points na yan ha. Pag hindi sisihin mo si Pat. Ang daldal eh, wala tuloy tayo matapos." Paalala ni El habang pababa ng sasakyan si Ally.

"Siya lang madaldal ano?" Pang aasar na sagot ni Ally.

"Wag ka na bumanat. Sinamahan kita kanina remember?"

"Oo na. Ang daldal talaga ni Pat. Tsk. Dapat tuluran ka niya. Pipi."

"Ayan gusto ko sayo girl. Sige na at mukang parating na ang bagyo at uulan ng traffic sa kalsada."

"Bye. Salamat sa paghatid." Nakangiting sambit sabay kaway.

........

Hindi muna dumiretso ng bahay si Ally, tumigil muna siya sa Pay Phone sa Convenient store sa main road malapit sa bahay nila.

Ally : "Hi. Asa bahay ka ba?"

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Makalipas ang kalahating oras pumatak ang ambon mula sa langit...palakas ng palakas ang mga patak..

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Makalipas ang isa't kalahating oras.. patuloy na bumububos ang ulan at lumalakas na rin ang ihip ng hangin. Paonti na rin ng paonti ang dumadaang mga sasakyan at mga nakapayong na taong naglalakad.

"Bakit ba kasi di ako nagdadala ng payong." Paghihimutok ni Ally sa sarili.

Kalahating oras pa ang lumipas at tila walang pag asang tumila ang ulan, tulad na rin ng walang pag asang may sasagot pa sa kanya.

Sinubukan niya..

"Ikaw pala Ally. Wala siya eh." Sagot ng babae sa kabilang linya.

"Sige po Tita, pasabi na lang tumawag ako."

"Sige. Sasabihin ko na lang pagnakauwi na siya."

"Thanks po. Bye, Tita."

"Sige. Bye."

Naglakad si Ally pauwi. Nakapatong ang bag sa ulo at nagpapanggap na inaalintana ang pagbuhos ng ulan, na pinroprotektahan niya ang sarili sa malamig na katotohanan.

I Don'ts.

Saying "I do" is a big job.

It does not stop there. There is no period after saying it.

Sometimes, it can even be "I don't", like,

 "I don't mind if your favorite dish is something I don't cook.

Throwback

I always catch myself scrolling and stealing glances at your world.

It helps me to convince myself that we're over and that you are not good for me. It makes me somehow feel better and healed.

Then the next day or so, I will see myself scrolling again.

I Exist...ted

I saw you walking, head bow down.

Bad day? Or gravity is too strong?

I said hello soon as I thought you're near enough to hear me.

But I guess that you are too consumed to even notice.

I saw you sitting at the field, all alone and your eyes are closed.

Wrong side of the bed? Or nightmares are just crazy?

I waved my hand soon as I believe you open your gaze and see me.

Why, I guess it's just too crowded, too many faces for me to assume.

I saw you staring at the sky, tears flowing down your cheeks.

Sad movie? Or the world is just so mean?

I try to reach out to tap your shoulder soon as I am near you.

Such in a hurry maybe as you suddenly stroll away.

I saw you holding a flower, you drop it on the ground.

Atlast a refreshing sight!

I look down at the flowers and now I need not to ask.

Amidst all my inkling, my name is written on the grave's mask.

Follow your heart

One of the worst feeling is being stuck in a place you are badly good at....but unhappy.

Mercy

It was getting dark and the sky was a sillhoutte of souls of smoke coming from the burned down village across the brown mountains. The village which were once filled with profound faces and peaceful smiles. The town she once called home.

She needed to find shelter just for the night. Someplace she could burry the pain away. They were all dead. Mama. Auntie Lulu. Hale. Jimmy.

Jimmy. Oh poor jimmy. All he wanted was to save old Brien, so he courageously went back. She could still see the picture of face, half covered with blood, his top blackened by smoke and ripped at the left side. But his eyes were burning much brighter flames compared to the rage of fire eating the place down.

She tried to stop him, feeling the heat slowly catching up on them, urging him desperately that it's over. But as he rushed back he was welcomed by one of the Karpa Store's wrecked wall. He was crushed, together with his bravery and kind heart. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she anguishly wiped it. Bravery could not save you. Mercy could not save you. And kindness, kindness would kill you right at your face.

She dragged herself as she repeated these words. She was walking for hours, hungry and half crazy. She thought, she were lucky not to suffer any burns and wounds but on the other hand she wished she had. Maybe the wounds would hurt more and would win over the grief that protected her. She walked too far she supposed because the mountains looked like thousand miles away or was it because her mind was playing tricks on her again.

She was slightly startled when she heard a strong sound. Gazing around she saw ahead a small mishap of a building. Squinting her eyes, she saw a bell tower and atop it was a cross. A temple, shelter.

She took what little energy she had and walked pityful to the open doors.

Humans were no Gods, they could not see through you. They would just look at  your face and then scan what was keeping your feet from the dusty ground, and if you have none then you were as nothing as the dust.